Sex Ed(itorial): The Orgasm Gap

D is for Disappointment

  • Graphic Kayleigh Valentine

What can be more insidious than a pay gap between the sexes?

What about an orgasm gap? When it comes to sex, the straight men are, statistically, the worst in the bedroom. Of course, sample size is important in any study, but the thing is that many studies have been conducted on heterosexual and LGBTQ+ participants alike in a number of contexts. While the actual percentages can vary, there is consistency across seemingly all such studies: straight women have bad sex.

If we analyze straight cis men and women only, we see some dismal examples here. It is left to determine whether the 90-some per cent of men surveyed think they made their partner climax.

Women report comparable rates of orgasm between P in V and partner masturbation. That’s terrifying. The D-only game is about as good as you trying by hand. Vibrators are more effective than crappy seven-minute missionary. She cums every time? Well, she’s probably lying. Girl, stop lying! You’re going to make this guy think he’s a god. Then, when he gets a new partner with some fight in them who notifies him of his sub-par D-game, he’ll use your fake orgasm to gaslight them into believing they have a sexual dysfunction. Look at these results before you get angry. They just didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

We need to revolt against the dick-tatorship of sex. Guys, MIX IT UP!

Give your girl some good face. Don’t lay there and make a chair of your face, take this as an opportunity to show off the gains from those years of eating puddings and applesauce without the spoon. Show your appreciation for the alphabet; the key here is the moment she likes something, keep doing that—only that. Pretend you’re a stuck record. Keep the pace… Just, don’t imagine me coaching you exactly. You should remember those words though, and think them often. Practice on some pudding. I will now direct your attention to another set of statistics. From hell.

We need to revolt against the dick-tatorship of sex. Guys, MIX IT UP!

A study by Indiana University, Chapman University, and Claremont Graduate University with a sample of 52,500 shows that enough men disappointed enough women. Heterosexual men orgasmed the most everytime. This is significant, and, quite frankly, sad.

The orgasm percentages can vary highly based on sexual orientation of respondents, who were asked if they orgasmed every time they had sex. Heterosexual men orgasmed the most everytime (95 per cent), followed by homosexual men (89 per cent) and then bisexual men (88 per cent). Straight women reporting having an orgasm 65 per cent of the time, bisexual women 66 per cent of the time and lesbian women at 86 per cent. This is consistent with everything I know, from dating cis men to talking to people who don’t.

My anonymous polling in a variety of women’s groups on Facebook also had me splitting in half with dismayed laughter, none of this being shocking to me. Guys—there’s a lot you need to stop. You need to read more books, take your time more, have fun with it, stop being in a hurry; you’re rushing magic here. Don’t give anyone incentive to fake anything, take ownership over how you give your partner pleasure. Listen to their bodies and you won’t have to listen to articles like this and wonder if your whole life is a lie. Maybe she faked it, maybe every time. Don’t be sad, do better. Maybe she wasn’t comfortable giving you feedback, work on that communication.

The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior also surveyed cis male and cis female respondents based on orgasm likelihood and the number of sex acts that occurred in a sex session. (A sex act includes, but is not limited to, oral on one person or penetration). The majority of respondents reported one sex act. The women in this category reported an almost 55 per cent orgasm rate and the men, around 92 per cent. It’s a disaster, like Target in Canada. Two acts isn’t much better, with an orgasm rate of almost 60 per cent for women versus nearly 88 per cent for men. It could depend on what the second act is; and who it benefits. Man, someone make a charity; the ladies need good loving.

Five acts appears to be the magic number. The gap here is the least apparent (around 89 per cent versus about 98 per cent for men). Men orgasm more than usual here, but what about women? Almost 90 per cent is a remarkable improvement! What would such a marathon look like? Maybe like something both parties are enjoying and taking their time with. Maybe communication and suggesting things, proposing things, trying things, flowing from one act to another in the moment like two people in sync.

Maybe women are more likely to orgasm when their partner gives a damn. Not just for the performativity and prowess factor acting like a ladykiller brings—but actually getting into the act. Sex is communication of a certain form and if you’re a sucky communicator (and not the right kind of sucky), the whole thing is going to go to hell. The kicker is that a lot of men will take this as a task, as a chore, as something that ruins the fun and the moment.

Ladies, you need to stop sexually gratifying these people, especially if you’re not getting similar gratification. You are otherwise acting like a charity, a charity catering to the sexual needs of the upper-dog. Lots of disappointing men love the free market and the invisible hand so much. The dating pool is a market. There is a market for sex, you can easily just not give them sex, get these kinds of people out of the market and into the periphery where they belong. They can comfort themselves with the invisible hand, and maybe better themselves. Harsh? That’s just showbiz, baby. The market hath spoken.

Ladies, you are the supply as it is in the lame cis-hetero dating and hookup market, because the dude is at the centre. We can become the demand and change the game. Only bang empathetic dudes, dudes who care about your needs, dudes who communicate, dudes who are respectful. If they gave you all these impressions and still disappoint, you should not be afraid to make it known. If you are, that says more about those dudes than you—you can do better and I pray you find it. There’s hope. Tell your friends their sex lives suck, discuss it in forums, raise awareness. Demand better conditions, straight women, unionize!

Men, accept feedback. Task yourself with improvement, focus on your partner and not just yourself. It’s your job to foster an environment where the other feels safe to provide feedback, and don’t just assume they’re dysfunctional if they aren’t enjoying something one girl (maybe pretended she) liked before. That’s if you care. If not, carry on, I guess, because somehow you’re getting away with some miserable performance stats. You run away from one night stands cackling like a thief who stole a good time and provided no compensation—OK.

We’ve been accepting seven minutes missionary for too long. Let’s fix that.

Good luck to all. Don’t forget to buy a vibrator.

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